Radmon Things -another final fantasy 9 humor fic-
by divinedisorder
Summary: A quest! A quest I say! A humorous fanfic. Somewhat. Review, please? With sugar on top?


Random Things   
By Janis

Humor. Poorly done at that. Review.   


* * *

  
_In no particular area of the world known as Gaia a hodgepodge group traveled across grassy knolls on a beautiful day. There was no mist yet because this was no particular time as well as no particular place. They could be traveling along the mountain ranges of Mist Continent or perhaps on the Lost Continent AND thus that was the beauty of a humorous story. It didn't NEED sense. The hodgepodge consisted of eight members despite how valiantly Eiko proclaimed it was 10 members in all. Despite she was gifted with an amazing vocabulary for an orphaned child of six who did not (thankfully) randomly chirp 'Kupo' all the time. Her teachers, the moogles, did not grace her with amazing math skills._   
__   
_Besides the mentioned 6-year-old summoner there were 7 other equally important members in all. Zidane was the leader whom daily gave thanks to the Squaresoft Gods for not making him the trendy_   
_apathic-bastard-main-hero-type-who-was-named-after-the-weather-whose-sexuality-was-always-questioned. Instead he was the adorable-pervert-with-the-heart-of-gold and he was glad. Besides, he had a nifty tail too._

_Traveling by his side was the not so lucky was Princess Garnet-Dagger-Sarah who LOOKED like Riona who happened to look like Tifa. Thankfully Garnet-Dagger-Sarah did not have Tifa's personality nor her silicone breasts and came to love Zidane due to his heart of gold and not because of some childhood guilt._

_Dutifully following his beloved Princess was Adelbert Steiner. His armor was still rusty and he followed behind with a befuddled expression on his face making him look more comical than usual. No one was sure at the time what he was thinking but the three best guesses were:_   
__   


  * _ A) If this story took place at no particular time then did he have the right to cruse Zidane for standing too close to Dagger-Garnet-Sarah?_
  * _ B) Why in the hell didn't he look menacing like he did in the Amano artwork and why was he stuck with rusty armor and the part of the noble clown?_
  * _ C) Did Beatrix like leather?_

_Shuffling behind was the super adorable kawaii little black mage, Vivi. Vivi was cute. Vivi was REALLY cute. Vivi was VERY CUTE. He was so cute he gave you a toothache while making you diabetic for life. Despite this cuteness was a serious little soul searching for an answer to life. However this is a lighthearted Fan fiction and thus his inner thoughts wouldn't be explored._

_Behind the mage waddling along at it's own pace was Quina. Quina was... alarming. Not since Gogo had character been in such question on what it was much less it's gender. Despite its alarming state on what its gender was, Quina was quite amusing and almost adorable. Yet the party had a death wish for 'him' or strong unconscious desire to get rid of the poor asexual being yet the cheery fellow- err lady- err... followed the group faithfully in hopes to become the next Julia Child._

_After Quina was Eiko but we already discussed enough about her so any introduction for her at this point is unnecessary. All that was needed to be said that she was adorable too and had a horn that she never really used to poke people in the eye with but should have._

_The figure behind the adorable trio stood out like a sore thumb. Freya looked sad. Everything about her was sad. Hell, she was the incarnate of depressing.. However this time Freya was not only sad but had a rather dark look on her face. At the moment she was contemplating how the next person who called her 'Rat face', 'Mighty Mouse', or asked her the questions, "Are you a crack addict", "Are you related to Mickey", or "Do you like Cheese" would die a horrible painful death. Namely a pole shoved up their ass._

_Taking up rear guard was Amarant who grimily followed behind the group. As he did so the authorship decided to use her avatar powers this one time and usher the readers past what could have been a potentially humorous set up. Amarant was the local bad ass apathetic but unlike so many of his colleagues he was not bishounen and therefore seen in a negative light. Amarant however did not care if he wasn't bishounen for meant he no chance of getting slashed nor did he care if he was seen in a bad light. The authorship however did._

_Two questions one might come up with spying this group were quite reasonable and the answers were simple. They could have been on airship, that's true, but to keep this fiction set in no particular time they didn't have one due to giving the setting of this story no particular time. Second of all they were on a quest! It was to be a grand, grand, grand quest for an idea that would transpire against time and all sorts of possible challenges that threatened to beat it down! It was an awesome quest, an idealistic quest, it would become a legend, it would be fan-_

"Zidane?"

The young man stopped in his tracks and due to physics and the fact the group was spread, out no fell on him like dominos. "Yeah, Dagger?" Zidane found it too difficult to call Princess Garnet-Dagger-Sarah so he called her by her proper name in the game in which the narration did from now on.

"Is the narration over yet?"

The young thief shook his head grimly. "Why do you ask?"

"What is the purpose of this whole story? Can we really even call it a story?" Dagger questioned.

"Give the narration it's time, I'm sure it'll get to the point-" Steiner began.

"Do we really want to?" Freya snorted. "Any time we get into a random piece of fan fiction we get altered, mocked, and ridiculed with no traits that we have-"

"Well, they really nailed Kuja right." Eiko suggested, rocking back and forth on her heels.

"He wishes." Muttered Amarant from the back of the group. "Hey, don't you all think it would be easier if we spoke in script style?"

Dagger made a face. "No way."

"Whatever, it isn't like this isn't getting annoying..."

"I hungry..."

The group looked at Quina who was bent over sniffing a flower.

Zidane shook his head. "That was... pointless."

"Well," Vivi spoke up softly. "N-not really... Now we can just start up a new topic."

The group looked around soberly in puzzlement then at the same moment light of epiphany struck their eyes and simultaneously said, "Kuja."

Expect for Quina, she just licked the flower and scowled at its taste.

Dagger glanced up at the text above her on the bit about Quina. "You know, the authorship is a bit wrong on something. We're not even sure what Kuja is."

"It's a guy..." Vivi began slowly, his eyes widened in horror as an anime sweat drop appeared in some random area on his head filling out one of the few the status quotas for sweat drops in an humor fiction. "Isn't he?"

"Well, he really isn't wearing anything, isn't it obvious?" Snorted Zidane. "If it was a girl I'd be --" Dagger threw him a look. "I'd be scolding... Damnit!"

"What?" Eiko said.

"If I say anything I put myself in a compromising situation." The thief mumbled.

"I still think she's a girl." The small summoner said, crossing her arms looking at the group.

"Why?" Steiner asked, the knight thought better of it but it was too late.

"He wears a thong."

They said nothing for a moment before Zidane asked slowly, "Where did you hear that term?"

"What!" Eiko exclaimed, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at Zidane. "He does!"

"I'm not denying that but where did you hear about thongs?"

With a look of innocents the girl replied. "Steiner talks about Miss Beatrix wearing one in his sleep." The very idea that Steiner would say such a thing shocked the party so badly they did not see the impish glint in the girl's eye. Expect Quina. Quina was eating the flower he was sniffing earlier.

Steiner blinked, unfazed, then gathered himself together, "Why, I-I-I," Okay, so the authorship lied. "I   
would ne-"

"Way to go Rusty!" Zidane said with a laugh patting the confused knight's back.

"Err yes, well..."

"Don't encourage him Zidane!" Freya warned sharply. "Bad enough we have to deal with you..."

Dagger frowned and shook her head. "Well, that was a spoiler. We're not really keeping everything under wraps, are we?"

Freya shook her head as her tail swished nervously drawing an amused smile and response from Amarant.   
"Let me guess, 'Let's not inspire the perverts'?"

The dragoon nodded muttering bitterly. "I'm paired up with a 9-year-old in a lemon, don't need anymore lemons inspired by people who haven't gotten past Disk 1..."

Dagger shivered. "Let's not go into that subject, please?"

"Right, right."

Quina burped loudly, all looked at her. "Excuse I."

They all waited, two tails swished in impatience, two children see-sawed on their heels, two feet shifted weight on one another, one sighed, and one scowled. This intense chain of events happened for quite a while and moments passed.

"I like cheese."

Freya gave Dagger a vicious scowl.

"Sorry, it's getting too quiet." The princess meeped weakly, standing behind Zidane.

"Is 'meeped' even a word?" Amarant asked quietly.

"I don't think so..." Vivi said in usual soft tone. "I guess it sounded cute."

"Cute. Uh-huh."

"I'm bored!" Eiko cried passing the five-minute attention span, which was amazingly long for a 6-year-old.   
"Zidane?" The little girl skipped over to face the raider, which was used in palace of thief because addressing Zidane as 'thief' was getting to be a bit monotonous.

"Yeah, Eiko?"

"What's the plot about?"

The raider paused and frowned. "A quest."

"Really? What kind?"

Zidane was about to answer when Freya piped up. "The Quest for the Holy Grail!"

Amarant rolled his eyes. "You like that movie?"

"It's quite funny, really-"

"It doesn't even EXIST here."

"So? Steiner seems to be a fan." The knight looked sharply at the Dragoon whom continued. "As I remember when you fought Zidane at the start of the game who won you proclaimed, 'Tis only a flesh wound!' "

"It was!"

Zidane smirked. "You were bleeding Rusty."

"Zidane..." Steiner growled.

"Let's change the subject again, shall we?" Dagger quickly said, standing between the two glowering   
men. "Maybe we can focus on the quest instead."

"If it ends up with us going to Disney World or someplace moronic and non-existent to this world I'm fucking outta here." Amarant muttered gruffly. "The next time I'm portrayed as a idiotic bastard someone is going to get hurt."

"Amarant, you really don't help yourself by-" Freya began.

"It's because I'm not a pretty boy." Amarant said simply.

"Are you complaining?"

"Stating facts. If I was a 'bishie' I'd be treated a lot better."

"You're complaining."

"Better than pining over Fartley who somehow managed to loose his memory despite being the greatest   
Dragoon of all time."

"IT'S FRATLEY!" The dragoon roared, gripping her spear.

As the two 'tough' warriors faced off the remaining group members watched the fight mildly interested.   
While it was a truly magnificent fight with lances throw at tender areas and with pinwheels giving awful and nasty paper cuts it was briefly skimmed over due to lack of skills describing a fight with justice. But it was quiet a nice fight. Really. About twenty minutes later Amarant and Freya sat on the grass looking shamed. Both had bruises with Casper Band-Aids ??and very impressive shiners but you could only tell with Freya. Amarant assured the group that he his black eye was just as impressive since the group never could see his eyes.   
  
"What was up with those damn summons?" By the context of the words just spoken one would rationalize it being it identified to Zidane, Amarant, Freya, or even Eiko. One must rule Steiner out because the princess was in hearing distance and that he was too dumb struck to hear a cuss word, no matter how minor, to come from Dagger. "I have to be in Trance to be able to see the summoning sequence and compared to the flashy designs of Final Fantasy VII is it really worth it for me   
to get smacked around to see the summons?"

"Dagger," Zidane quietly, putting his hands on her shoulders. "They're very powerful magic spells, we really don't need to see them... well... I wouldn't mind Shiva a bit more..." The treasure hunter who wouldn't rip your lungs out if you called him a thief waited for her to smack him. The little tactic didn't work.

"And what the hell is the deal with me losing my voice?" The princess augured.

"It was for dramatic-"

"If I couldn't talk and yet when the status of 'silence' is casted over Vivi here at the same time, HE   
CANNOT perform MAGIC!"

"Well," Eiko muttered almost bitterly as Quina ran behind her trying to catch and eat a butterfly. "You blew casting the so called all powerful summons half the time we were in the Desert Castle. You fighters had it tough in Oilvert?" The little girl snorted. "Try being stuck in Thong Boy's home being over run with cats that cast Bio, three little balls that keep casting Stop every other frickin' time, with 'Earth-to-Dagger" who's too busy in la-la-land to notice she's about to be hit, and with... with... whatever Quina is trying to eat half the damn decorations it was damn tough to get out of there." Again she paused. "THONG BOY   
MUST DIE!" Eiko shrieked suddenly.

"That was... random..." Zidane muttered, blinking.

"It is not! It's his entire fault! If he didn't exist we'd never had gotten together and THEN we would never of had a game and THEN we wouldn't be mocked by thousands! IT'S ALL THONG BOY'S FAULT!"

Amarant grumbled. "Can you shut the kid up, she's giving me a ahead ache. At the very least make her keep it down before we're get tagged as 'Anti Gay'."

Eiko scowled. "I don't have a problem with gay people, it have a problem with Kuja. Besides, I NEVER did call him gay. But do straight guys wear thongs?"

"Eiko..." Freya sighed and shook her head, noting Vivi's blushing and sweat droped. "Don't let her get to you little one, she needs a nap."

"O-okay..." Half the readers swooned, overcome by his adorableness.

Answering Eiko's question Dagger suddenly chirped. "Pimps do!"

"Princess!" Steiner said, his voice in an unusual growl of unpleasantness he never used to address Dagger.

"Well, it's better than speedos... Unless if we're in Xenogears." The princess sighed mournfully.

"Dagger!" Zidane looked at her. She innocently smiled.

"That's a fourth wall breech if I ever heard one." Steiner muttered, ducking as Quina made a leap to grab the butterfly with her tongue. The qu didn't get the desired result and he ended up snatching Steiner's feather on his helmet. "And we're not much closer to figuring out the plot."

"Don't worry about it." Zidane assured. "It'll come."

Using the miraculous method of 'cut and paste' they all waited, two tails swished in impatience, two children see-sawed on their heels, two feet shifted weight on one another, one sighed, and one scowled.   
This intense chain of events happened for quite a while and moments passed. Dagger, increasingly becoming bored pulled out a little book and sat on the ground. Vivi tripped despite he stood still and the readers swooned again. Zidane yawned. Steiner grumbled about the lack of Rust-B-Gone and why did those ungrateful bastards in Final Fantasy 6 get it when he truly needed it. Amarant scowled. Eiko pouted. Quina was hungry.

After the random cuteness insert a voice broke the stillness.

"Amarant," Freya said. "What is your problem with being slashed? Are you trying to tell us something?" The group looked the Dragoon with fear marked on their faces.

"What are you suggesting at...?" He growled.

"You're classical denial, Flaming Amarant?" The rat woman smirked. "That's why you're so paranoid about getting slashed. You're in classic denial."

"WHAAAT!?"

"In Japan they have sites all over to you and Zidane."

"...You're sick Freya."

"God's truth.Yaoi sites." She insisted.

"Well, what can you expect in Japan? They got nuked almost 60 years ago and it's effected the drinking water. How else could someone accuse Zidane of being gay when he's the straightest character Square-"

"Oh, I'm not implying Zidane's gay." She grinned, quite a frightening site really.

"Christ," The mercenary growled. "In Japan my name is SALAMANDER, you know, the fiery lizard."

"Flaming lizard?" Freya queried innocently.

"THAT'S IT RAT! YOU'RE GONNA DIE!"

As another marvelous battle began and ended once again one might question the brief out of character moment for Amarant but one does remember the infamous scene when the two warriors in question (not of sexuality by the way, not that there is anything wrong with that) attempted to fight. Having thus remembered that one would go on with the story... no ... plot ... aw hell... one would read on.

Quina blinked its button eyes a few times as she waddled over to the two bruised and nearly comatose bodies. "They dead? Can I eat?"

"Nope," Eiko said. "Besides, you might throw them back up anyway."

The qu looked horrified. "Why I give food back? It not possible!"

"Wouldn't try it." The little summoner said again. "Anyhow, do you all think we should go to that town over there?"

"What town? We can't go into a town! That'll identify our location!" Zidane declared.

Dagger smiled and shook her head. "Nah, it's one of those random and generic towns that pop up. We'll be fine."

So they walked (Zidane, Dagger, and Vivi), clanked (Steiner), skipped (Eiko), waddled (Quina) or dragged (Freya and Amarant) their way to the town. "You know..." Commented Steiner. "I really think we should get into a fight Zidane."

"Rusty," Said the reliever of one's possessions. "You're scaring me."

"It's usually called for in plot less stories like this." The Knight remarked cupping his chin thoughtfully. "Of course, this means I'll have to be jumping around in armor and that's not really good for my arches-"

"IT'S NOT A PLOT LESS STORY!" Zidane barked. "The narrator went out to lunch. We're going to find out our quest soon."

More walking, clacking, skipping, waddling and crawling went on as the reliever of one's possessions mumbled. "We're not in a plot less story, we're not, we're just waiting...."

"Zidane?"

"We're gonna find out quest soon."

"Zidane," Dagger said again, tapping his shoulder. "We're at the town and we should go rest."

"But... but..."

"By now the readers probably lost interest. It's the best for all of us."

"... Fine." Zidane sighed as the group reached the Inn.

As the group of eight went inside the inn one heard a voice murmer. "How come we never celebrate passover in these things?"

"Hush Vivi, hush."

* * *

_It was an awesome quest, an idealistic quest, it would become a legend, it would be fantastic quest in search of a plot! Yes a plot a... Oh damn. Last time I go out to dinner and bring something back for those guys..._

* * *

  
Author's Notes: Blah. I'm done. Took me a while on this sucker. Haven't done anything like this in a while. Wait, wait... Hey! Some of you made it down here! Congratulations! You have balls or intense toleration for bad fiction. Review.   



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